random overheard conversations & the oddities of salespeople....

i spent some time at a previous job sitting with the sales people.  a few years back.  there was one sales guy who was so funny and so insane.  I took notes of what he said throughout the day.

He looked like this actor:

Why don’t you for once do something that makes sense? (said to his girlfriend on the phone)

I ordered a gigantic Italian sub, look at all the meat! I got chips & soda and now I’m gonna puke!

Oy vey!

I made a mistake!!! (Said loudly in a fake gay lisp)

If I clean my bedroom up, can we have houseguests? I’ll stay on the couch and take a dump outside if I need to.

(Sings “School’s Out Forever” by Alice Cooper)

She’s a total door knob.

Are you gonna try and drink this weekend? Could you have light beer maybe? I think your liver is going to be fine.

(Sings “Blame Canada” from Southpark)

We’re going to Ferrante Winery, but I’d like to load up at home first.

Belch.

People are committing suicide because of Michael Jackson. We’re really better off without them anyways. I need another big sub!

These customers want everything for free. What am I, Gandhi? (makes fart sound) Oh lord!

(Told this story to 3 different people:) I was on the treadmill last night and almost vomited!

Sings the Beatles, “Ob la dee ob la da…(blah blah blah)” (the “blahs” are his)

(Upon hearing another salesperson brag about a sale) Jeez, enough already. You made a sale. What, you want a medal? Jeez……..

Who orders double sausage on a pizza? Come on people!!!!

My wife left me for some guy at church. Used car salesmen, can you believe it??? It’s ok, I’ve got more time to hit the gym now.

Did you get a donut? I had 5. Isn’t that pathetic?

I’m up to 6 donuts and it’s not even noon. Yeah! I’m gonna be so constipated later!

What I need is a “Chatty Cathy” doll to talk to me while I work out at the gym. I get bored!

Judith Yamamoto??? (said in fake Asian accent)

Sings, “Sunday morning, Sunday morning, Sunday morning….” (not sure what song this is.)

Did you flip out on birth control pills? I’ve heard about that. Oh, your mom found your pills? Did you tell her girls in this country take them all the time?

Hey Mary! (no answer) where is everyone??? God, I hope she’s not out drinking again (giggles)

Nancy, you're bad. You'll perish in a lake of fire during the end times.

I feel so tired and achy and sore. I wonder what would cause that? Herpes Simplex 400!

Yawn.

Sings “Sister Christian” by Night Ranger

You like my socks? I call them my “black shorties”!

I’m gonna smack your fat face! I’m gonna smack your fat face! That’s a line from “Animal House”, which is a classic American Film.

I knew I was being recorded when I called the bill collector “ghetto”. I didn’t call her anything else. She was just getting all ghetto in her tone, which made me not want to pay the bill, I can tell you that right now!

I really think they are worthless and wish them dead. Do you hear me Susan???

I took a nap in my car at lunch. It was pretty awesome….

(Giggles loudly) I’m in loopy land!!!

Jesus Christmas, I forgot to do my timecard!

Ain’t life precious? (starts singing “Blue Moon of Kentucky” but doesn’t know the words after Kentucky)

Gosh, it really stinks in here. Heavens to Betsy, it stinks…

Sings “Step by Step” by New Kids on the Block, and knows all the words.

Who farted? (Spoken in fake drunken slur) (Giggles)

Beth, pick up the phone. Why would you call me and leave such a weird message? Are you trying to send me vibes? Did the cops show up again?

Starts shouting in a fake Indian accent, “My name is Babu! I’ve lost my glasses!!!”

Sings "What if God Were One of Us" repeatedly. Then "What if Spincter Were One of Us" (giggles & makes fart sounds...)

I love egg salad. I just get in the mood for it sometimes.

Answers his phone: Devil woman? How ya doing? Tell everyone talking in the background to shut up. I can hear your sister yapping. Was the funeral fun? I’m eating egg salad.

There’s no litterbox in the basement? I guess I can go turd hunting when I get home. I've just been feeding the cats raw steak and they love it!

I wish I was a ninja.