October 31, 2007

my grocery store nightmare (it's reoccuring....)

everytime i go the giant eagle by our house, i come home traumatized with stories about the various bizarre young men running the checkouts. i don't know where they find these guys, but they are all young (late teens to early 20's), talkative (they make me look like a mute) and disturbing as hell.

the check out boys:

dj brandon
fast talking video geek
nervous, inappropriate joker
angry thin gay guy

sample conversations (always out of the clear blue!)
dj brandon: "hey, do ya like music? i'm a dj, here's my business card! i'm playing at a booth at the fairport city fair, wanna come by? what? you don't like fairs or loud music? you don't dance or like crowds? aw, come on!!!!"

fast talking video geek: actually, i couldn't reproduce his diatribe if i wanted to. he really must be on crystal meth (or blak coke, preferred beverage of howler monkeys.) all i remember is him asking me if i played "halo" (of course i don't!) and then for the next 10 minutes telling me how he develops strategies for winning online multi-player games, why robert downey jr. will be good in some movie about some comic book, and how myspace is a good for picking up whorish type girls. i had to come home and lay down after this one.

the other 2 you can easily guess how those conversations went. besides, i need to get to tonight's episode, entitled......

"karma shopping- with coupons!"

i worked late and had to go to the grocery. i was not up for any of the nonsense mentioned above. so i make sure and choose a line without an insane young guy. i spot an old gal with a peach-tinted bouffant and get in her line. i unload my groceries, and notice the lady in front of me. she's thin and nervous, in a faded jogging suit. her groceries are already bagged, and she's clutching the receipt. and i suddenly realize............this is not going to be good.

the bouffant-lady cashier looks at her, confused, and asks how she can help her. she takes a deep breathe and says, "um...i need you to look at my receipt.....um..... i bought 5 dannon yogurts. the kind in the small containers that are 5 for $2. i also bought a large container of dannon yogurt, and my receipt shows that i was undercharged 80 cents for that. and then, um....i had a coupon for 60 cents that didn't get applied to my total......so i want to fix that."

bouffant says, "well honey, that's sweet of you to let us know you got undercharged, but it's ok. it happens and you can go ahead and head on home."

crazy replies, "no, i need to pay the difference! i owe you 20 cents!"

bouffant looks puzzled and asks, "why?"

crazy lady says, "it's bad karma!"

bouffant tells her she can't do anything about it and suggests she go to the service counter. i step up and she gives me a look, winking and rolling her eyes and saying something like, "we get some real crazies!" and we watch the lady stand at the service desk, explaining her "karma problem" over the next 10 minutes.

it was funny and shocking and odd, but also annoying. this lady wasted a good 5 minutes of my time, the cashiers time, and another 10 minutes of the service desk managers time, all to make sure her karma was in order. how is that good karma?

either way, i need to find a new grocery store.


SDS said...

Jennifer, here are some strategies that may help you to be less approachable to young horn dog hipsters and the general public.

1. Squint a lot. You need to reduce the size of those gigantic Japanimation Orbs. Creepy manga fans and old ladies find them far too inviting, because you are a walking Hello Kitty Character.

2. Bind your enormous rack with Ace bandages. I know God blessed you, but Jesus. It's either the Huge Blue eyes or the other thing. To retarded young men you are a magnet. They don't know where to look first.

3. Put out silent TCB vibes. Takin Care of Businessssss.... Imagine yourself Harvey Pekar, David Lynch or the Dude on a mission for whole milk. It repels stranger interaction on so many levels.

You are welcome.

Anonymous said...

The comic movie that "fast talking video geek" was referring to is Iron Man which is going to be sweet because Tony Stark has a problem with addiction as does Robert Downey Jr. I figured I'd add that to make you cringe.

Groundcat said...

i always wondered why she gets the attention. i have to go to the same grocery store today to pick up stuff GG forgot. I'm going to open my eyes up really wide and unbutton a few top buttons on my shirt to see what happens. i'll keep you informed of my outcome.

secret work friend said...

I wonder if Tony Stark also has a problem with passing out in strangers' beds and getting into prison fights while attempting to get back into the mainstream by jumping at the chance to star next to Skeletor,er, I mean Calista Flockhart.

glittergirl said...

i commented on this one earlier, but it doesn't show up, very odd...


SDS- i read your statements above and LMFAO. because it's funny as hell and it's true. i never made the connection of big eyes-big boobs being the problem.

i like that my demographic is old ladies, creepy manga guys, and retards. and anyone with a hello kitty fetish. and groundcat!!!!

sadly, the TCB vibe doesn't work for me. i've tried it, believe me! i'm too blonde/chubby/giggly (and all the other stuff you mentioned) to pull off harvey pekar.

mike- if your current job ever falls through, i know a grocery store that would love to hire you!

a. you always wondered why i get the attention? does that mean you think i am unattractive???? oh, we're gonna have 'a talk' when i get home! (LOL!!!)
b. when you go to the store, try wearing one of my push-up bras and some eyeliner. you'll get all kinds of attention!
c. we're out of vernor's!

SWF- at first i thought you were referencing me, then i remembered i hadn't told anyone the story about the time my time in prison! also, i thought calista flockhart was really pretty, (although she did turn into a lollipop- big head w/stick body- those last few seasons on the show....)

glittermom said...

I think theres something in the water in your part of town...Last night some 9yr old kid set fire to some clothes on the rack at Kohls in Mentor...He was with his mother who claimed she didn't know he did that...

glittergirl said...

was the kid setting fires in mentor because of my gigantic orbs???

(orbs can reference boobs and/or eyes, right?)

and a follow-up question for SDS,

what about the gays??? they gays LOVE me (boy and girl gays!) and neither stereotype of those 2 groups has an interest in my big "items". so explain that one!!!

SDS said...

A: Elizabeth Fraser
A2: Elizabeth Fraser
A3: See 1 & 2

I thought we went over this at college, sheesh!

glittergirl said...

SDS- you win.