it's funny, i have only been talking about this WLS stuff for a short time (publicly at least.) and the few emails i've sent, have been forwarded on and i'm getting a large number of emails. and some comments on the blog, which makes this all worthwhile.
it's good because it gives me time to get used to telling my story and getting responses before the story airs. i am not going to give too many details from people who email and wish to remain anonymous. but i can tell you i've heard from people, all with similar stories to mine, and all still "in hiding".
i started to think about "why we hide".
i've never been one to hide. but after i hit a low point with the surgery and started to gain, i felt a huge amount of shame. i've talked about this on other posts. what i am seeing now is that so many other people have been in hiding. and we all have thought we were the only ones who gained weight after surgery.
i wonder if the surgeons even know the true extent?
so why do we hide?
we hide because we know the stigma in this society around being fat.
we hide because people think WLS is an easy way out, for lazy fat people who eat like pigs and can't control themselves.
(i didn't tell folks at my last job about the surgery, and found myself more then once in a room with people saying horrible things about the surgery.)
so, when we gain the weight back after surgery, we really hide. the negative voices in our heads tell us, "you're fat! you suck! you screwed up your one chance to be thin!" there's no way we're going to offer up the info to anyone.
"hey! i had that surgery you're talking smack about! yeah, i know...i'm fat! ain't that something?"
but it's not only the people like me who hide. the folks who did really well with the surgery hide too! they don't want anyone new in their life to know. unless they are being paid to appear in ads (like the one i keep seeing on billboards, of the skinny lady on a swing), they aren't talking about it.
i recently found out that a nasty former corworker "outed" me to folks at my last job. she had been around when i had the surgery in 2001. she was at the last place for all of 2 days before she was telling people, "did ya know jen had that surgery? she got really skinny, then flipped out and gained a bunch back!"
hearing that now, i just laugh. but if i had known what was happening at the time, i would have been mortified.
so i guess what i'm saying is, i understand why WLS folks want to remain anonymous. anything i am told in emails will remain confidential. i'll make sure and not use anyone's names since this blog could become way more public after the story airs.
just because i'm all norma rae about things, doesn't mean i think anyone else should be blabbering about this publicly.
13 comments:
Life is what it is. We are who we are. We've been through what we've been through. There are some things we can change about ourselves, and other things we can't necessarily change as easily. Hiding who we are, doesn't change who we are. Hiding what we've been through doesn't make those past events disappear. Some people are going to like us for who we are, and others won't. Celebrate the ones that do, and ignore the ones that don't.
I haven't been through what you and others have, but I think if we all try to go through our lives with good and rational intentions and expectations towards our actions and their outcomes, then that's the right mentality. We're human beings, we're bound/destined/fated/expected to screw things up or have things blow up in our faces. We just need to be able to say "So be it, it is what it is" and try to make the best out of the situation as we can. Trying to assign blame doesn't help us resolve the present, it just keeps us focused on the past. Learning from our past, growing as a person as a result of our experiences, is one thing, trying to repaint the past or recolor it with blame or shame is something altogether different.
I dunno, just my rambling two cents worth.
Being fat, It's the last acceptable prejudice, isn't it?
It's the one thing that no matter how honest, caring or hardworking you are, a spiteful soul can drag out and hit below the belt with.
I just always choose to laugh and consider the source. I haven't figured out yet just what purpose I have in making such an obvious Achilles Heel exposed to everyone. But I do find that the quickness with which someone who told you you "look great" would then turn and part with, BTW, you're fat! when you disagree with them about something else, tells a lot about their integrity.
I've been told by an ex-spouse who cruised FA sites and would spam WLS recovery sites with scolding posts to "get off my Fat Ass and go back to work" from maternity leave. I've been told by a friend I dropped for being demanding and confrontational in a rageful sputter, "And Oh, you're fat!" because I wouldn't take her calls or answer her emails. She weighs at lease 50 pounds more than I do, but that was the worst she could muster when I wouldn't do what she wanted.
Again, it's a perplexing idea to think that I would give others an obvious foothold that way, but if it weren't fat, it would be something else. If I sat down and made a list about the concrete and small ways my life would be better
if I lost enogh weight for that to not be my primary sociologigal identifier, I might be overwhelmed enough to do something, but I doubt it.
Quintessential Happy Drunk.
I would like to say that I am one of those girls in the ad for St. Vincent and not one of us were paid a dime!!!! We are not all hiding, that is why we chose to speak up. My surgery worked because I worked my butt off literally. I followed the rules, got to the gym at 6 weeks out and now 5 years later still do so. It will never be easy for me but I refuse to go back. You are still better off than before and much healthier. None of us are perfect. If we could all switch body parts, I suppose we would. :)
I'm fat and proud!!! Actually, I'm not and my weight is a large part of my self-esteem issues. But I keep it in proportion. My wife still oves me and would support any effort I wanted to make to loose weight.
Right now it's time. If I work out for an hour each day (which I used to do 100 pounds ago), then that is about another 1 1/2 I leave my wife home along with 1 - 3 kids (3 when my kids from my previous marriage are over).
I used to think my ex left me because I was heavy, but she left me when I was at my lowest weight. 6'2" and only 202 pounds! Can you imagine me at that weight... I can't...
I love to cook and I love to eat. All different kinds of food. And I refuse to never eat a carb and miss out on all the tasty dished I cook.
I really don't want to spend the time to become a CK model.
I could talk alot about this I guess but for now, I'll stop rambling!
It worked-> because I worked my butt off is a simplistic equation that tells more about the achievement of the person who says it than being an algorithm for success or explaining why the surgery didn't stick for someone else. I'll try to be kind and honor your accomplishment. The fact that surgery worked for you doesn't mean that someone else cannot discuss why it didn't work for them, or that they didn't also work their butts off, on and back off again.
Jennifer hasn't even delved into the subject of how she lost over fifty pounds the "old fashioned way" in 1994 prior to considering the surgery. Her weight went up and down and up, and I saw her work her butt off several times over. She's a very active, unsedentary person, but her body seems to have the easiest time
with bland starchy foods. Once I made jerk chops, and she was incapacitated for a whole day.
Annd... when a cement wall collapsed on her leg and she had to learn to walk again a few years later, yeah. She gained that fifty pounds back and more.
There has to be a gentle way for people who are glad they had the surgery and those who maybe aren't to both be able to talk about it without one feeling threatened by the other. Or placing judgement on other's level of work or committment.
i;d like to think that just getting people talking about weight issues is a good thing. whether or not you've had wls or tried the any of the kooky diets doesn't matter we have eating issues. and we're talking about them out in the open. i watched the show intervention last night with a woman who was starving herself to death...i was so into the show i couldn't wait for commercials to end....that poor thing i kept thinking. then i thought how much i might have in common with her, just opposite results. how sad.
did you know that severe anemia can cause depression? funny thing about wls -- it causes malabsorbtion issues, we’re told this up front as a side effect of having wls, so when I was needing intravenous iron treatments because my body would no longer absorb iron from the foods and supplements I was taking, I wonder why didn’t anyone make the connection that the antidepressants I was taking weren’t working? they weren’t being absorbed either.
"Once I made jerk chops, and she was incapacitated for a whole day."
that made me laugh so hard at my desk! i snorted, laughed, and choked on a piece of gum all at once!
well done sds!!!!!
whitey- keep commenting!!! you too copax!
as for the anonymous folks, i just wrote a quick response in the form of a new blog post.
i plan on writing more details, answering questions, pointing out what i agree or disagree with.
whether i agree or disagree, thanks for taking the time to comment. i'm just so happy to be talking about this stuff, and know that it can help others.
Like I said on another post of jennifer's, I don't think her story is a black or white one either supporting or decrying WLS. It's just her story. and the most important part of it is that she's being open and honest about her experiences. Did she succeed? Did she fail? does it really matter? She is who she is today because of her WLS experience. And if anybody who hears/reads about her experiences can gain any sort of insight, or if anyone feels less like they're the only one going through the situation, then it's all for the best. The point is to help remove the stigma and get the discussion going.
I'm 6'5, 325 lbs. I'm fat. I'm not happy about it. I've been fat for a long time now. I've avoided social situations because of it. I've been forced to shop at big and tall stores because "regular" clothing doesn't fit me. I know that women have avoided relationships with me because of my weight, one actually flat out told me so after dating me for 3 months that my weight was keeping her from being sexually attracted to me. Weight is such a heavy burden both physically and emotionally to try to carry.
I feel like I'm at an AA meeting (not making any sort of comparison between alcoholism and weight, don't take it that way), standing up in front of everyone and saying "Hi, I'm Chris Copac and I'm fat"
My name is whitey, and I'm a fataholic!!!
My name is whitey, and I'm a fataholic!!!
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