i'm still me.......

someone at work today, upon hearing of my impending new story, sent me this link. again, i find myself torn. wanting to defend the surgery, while warning people of the real risks. i'm so afraid my story will end up being used and manipulated to knock the surgery.

this football coach went through a horrible ordeal, but it's something that is a risk with any surgery. and why was he so embarassed that he registered under a false name at the hosptial? i guess al roker and star jones are examples of celebrities being evasive about the surgery. and i do understand why, since folks are so judgemental about the surgery as i've discussed before.

i guess the article about the football coach brings me back to questions people have asked me in emails.

would i recommend the surgery? short answer, yes. long answer.....yes, but know the facts, the complications and dangers.

and make god damn sure you've really tried diets!!! because a year after surgery, when the stoma is a little stretched and you've been able to eat some junk food, you'll need to be able to follow a diet. the people who succeed are those who follow the rules, avoid some major pitfalls (mine, of course, were depression and drinking, which i've discussed), and are able to stick to a diet. surgery isn't a easy fix or fast cure.

another question folks have asked: how did you get through the depression, drinking problems etc, and find some peace with things?

that's an important question, to me. i can tell you that the depression hit me hard, out of nowhere. i had dealt with minor depression before. i'd take low level anti-depressants off and on for a few years. i knew the signs of depression, or so i thought.

when you succeed at WLS and look amazing, depression doesn't seem possible. you'd not expect it, is what i'm saying. looking back, i can see when it hit. after 2 messy and failed relationships, putting my beloved dog to sleep, and losing a dear, sweet friend (from surgery complications) knocked me on my ass. but no one, including me, knew what was happening.

i started to hid from the world. i'd go to work, pay my bills, feed the cats, and get into bed with a bottle of wine and the tv on. i wanted to stop the pain and hide from the world.

this lasted a year. and it took people saying things like, "when did you get so fragile?" and "you've lost your sparkle!" to make me see how bad things were.

then i went to the doctor and asked for help with the crippling pain. i was deeply depressed and having horrible panic attacks. it took 3 tries to find the right doctor, the right meds (prescribed from an actual psychiatrist) and a good therapist.

i only went to 3 or 4 therapy sessions, but it was enough to get me on track. she was able to help me see i wasn't an alcoholic, just someone who was experiencing a temporary problem. (this therapist was big into AA, and wasn't quick to dismiss the problem as temporary.) she was able to point out some of the pain and confusion i was feeling post-WLS, to give me perspective on how it wasn't all so easy. that being "skinny" brought its own new set of problems.

it took me another year to...heal. to keep working on my issues, to understand what happened to me when i had that surgery (beyond what happened to my body.) i had to forgive myself for mistakes i made.

prior to surgery, i was ok with being overweight. i only had surgery after a major injury caused me to gain more and more weight, reaching 300 pounds (at 5'3".) but i'd had a good life prior to surgery. i dated 2 really wonderful guys. i had a good job, friends, etc.. i wasn't someone who expected surgery to be a "magic bullet" for my life.

but it sucked gaining the weight back. being a size 10 was fun! trying on clothes was....mind blowing. i didn't have to worry about finding shirts long enough to cover big hips, only selecting dark colors, etc.... people treated me so differently when i was thin. it was amazing.

it was also part of my depression. was i so horrible when i was fat? did i deserve rude glances? of course i didn't. but being treated so differently at my lowest weight was..... confusing. complicated as hell to sort my feelings. easy to slip into depression when my medication was suddenly not being absorbed into my system.

when i was thin, a little voice in my head started saying, "but i'm still me!" or maybe it said, "why are you so excited about my size 10 jeans, i'm still me!"

but i worked hard on healing, forgiving myself, and being at peace with it all. i think i am naturally chubby. my body seems to gravitate to a size 18. i've gained a few pounds in the last year and that feels uncomfortable, like too much. a size 20 feels bad. so i'm simply going back to more healthy food choices. i think i look ok at a size 18. i look a little too fat in a 20. a 16 would be awesome. a size 10 was a blast, but not meant to be.

not sure if any of that makes sense. it's how my head works, how i found peace, in my own weird way.

i feel like i live a balanced life now. i eat healthy sometimes, junk occasionally. i never drink wine, but beer is ok. (the higher alcohol content of wine seems to be a common problem for WLS folks. beer is lower alcohol and also has some "fizz", so it has to be sipped slower...at least that's my experience.) i have to be careful with this "balance". too much junk food makes me feel like crap and gain weight. too much beer makes me feel sluggish, depressed, etc....

but a little junky food and a cold beer is nice occasionally!!! for me, it's all about balance. not eating or drinking out of compulsion. stress eating is something i have to watch out for. having a "loud music, beer & pizza night" can be a blast and a great way to relieve tension occasionally. but more then once a week is usually a sign that my boyfriend and i are really stressed. we're working on finding a good balance, getting through stress in different ways.

i think i've said some of this before, on the blog or privately in emails. today just felt like a good day to revisit some of it. i'm a nervous wreck about the interview airing on tv tomorrow night. i'm nervous, but trying to stay calm, realize it's done and that worrying is not going to do any good. you know, all that crap my friend chris has been saying in comments! LOL!