well, my story hasn't aired yet, and i am already blown away by the few responses i've gotten. i've talked to a friend i met having WLS, who i lost touch with. she's been through much of the same painful experiences that i've been talking about. she knows of many others as well. there's a support group in town just for people who've had the surgery and are gaining all their weight back. i also got my first anonymous comment (on the last WLS post) that said the same thing my friend emailed me, "i'm reading your story and crying...i went through almost the same thing!"
i thought i was the only one. these people have been hiding and ashamed, thinking they were the only ones. and maybe the hospitals doing this surgery don't know how many of us have gained a lot of weight back, since we all have been in hiding.
it almost feels like coming out of the closet. isn't that odd?
something else i've learned: the cleveland clinic is doing a medical trial for something called "restore". i can find no real info online, but i have the PDF from someone who applied to be part of the trial.
basically, part of the original WLS is to attach the new, smaller stomach pouch to the intestines, with a small opening (or stoma). this make it harder for food to pass, so you feel fuller longer. apparently, a lot of people are finding that this stoma is stretching out, and the cause for weight gain in a lot of us. so this "restore" procedure allows the doctor to go in using a flexible tube down your throat, and re-stitch the stoma to make it smaller again.
the friend who told me about this, started to apply to be part of the trials, then decided not to. she felt very torn about it. i can see why. when i first heard about this new procedure, i was pissed. i mean, the surgery we had was supposed to work! now they want us to go back for more??? then i started to think, "maybe i should consider doing this..." and then i got pissed again.
no, i am not going back to these doctors for any more procedures. i'm not going to let my inner peace, that i worked hard to find, be taken away. i won't put any hopes into some new procedure. i mean, these are clinical trials, so there's no long term data to show if it works, or if there are potentially dangerous side effects.
sigh....... i need to jump in the shower and go get some starbucks.... and stop thinking about all this WLS stuff for a while..... my big head is just spinning!
I agree that there are more of us who hide. I can tell you that I used to go to a Support group. I don't go anymore because I feel like a failure. I don't want people looking at me and saying "Whoa, she has put 40 lbs on, what a failure' Maybe they wouldn't say anything or maybe not even think that, but my brain tells me they will because I, myself, feel like that. I mean, I tell myself all the time (yes I DO talk to myself) I say "Ugh, I can't believe you gained weight back, what a pig - this was your chance to be skinny - to be like those girls that every man wants - your chance to be beautiful and wear 'skinny' jeans - but NO, you CAN'T even do that - a foolproof method for you, to lose all this weight - to shed the fat and horrible feelings you put in your mind. You even failed this. DISGUSTING!!!
ReplyDeleteLike you, when all the weight was coming off - man, did I get the compliments - 'wow it doesn't even look like you anymore' - 'wow, you look great'; 'wow, how much have you lost?' 'Ohhh what SIZE are you now?' Ya know - there are times when I just wanted to scream out: 'WTF, was I so horrible before, did I look SO bad before'? Of course, I never said that - I always thanked them and went on. All of a sudden you realize all these people who wouldn't talk to you before now want to hang out with you - Girls & Guys!!! Of course your inner child is screaming out "YES, YES, they finally want to talk to me! I can be in their friendship circle. I can be SEEN with these people!' As you know it's not brain surgery - you are still the same person inside -vulnerable now more than before. The attention is great, especially from the male population - that secret crush that you never thought would really talk to you, he is now talking and flirting and you are in 7th Heaven. Something happens, he gets sick of you and on to the next pretty face that comes along.
Then you see these people for who they really are…
Thank you for having this blog, where I can tell you my feelings too.
maybe one of these days, I'll get brave like you and get my name on here instead of Anon - ha