i hit the wall.....

i called in sick today. even though i had a lovely relaxing evening and a decent amount of sleeplast night, i woke up with chest pains, my heart racing and trouble breathing. call evilboss man and let a weepy message saying i was going to the doctor. i know he's going to be pissed and most certainly isn't going to understand what the fuck an anxiety attack even is, but i have hit the wall.

i've been doing these 50-60 hour weeks since september, and i had no idea it would be continuing for this long with so few breaks. the last month did me in. we had a few fridays when we were there til 10-11pm at night. 15 hour days, and still required to come in saturday. i started to wake up feeling so exhausted, like i was floating. i started having trouble speaking (i was stuttered) and did things like pay the parking garage $20 and drive off without change.

then we had 2 weeks of "lockdown". it was only supposed to be 1 week. they locked up everyone in a large conference room for 10 hour days, and it was intense. bosses watching every move, and people from the business side questioning everything. at the end of the week, after we worked so hard, the boss said our results were disappointing and order the next week on lockdown.

week 2 was worse. a smaller, warm room with no phone. everyone was miserable and the tension was so high. i cried on the way home every night. i started having trouble eating and worse insomnia then usual. at the end of the week i BEGGED for some time off, but was refused. i was told no one can take time off til may.

i have plodded through these 10 hour days, six days a week. i have loved the job, the people and being downtown. and i was proud of getting through the long hours! i guess i hadn't planned on the 60 hours weeks to continue after christman break. no one did. everyone is beyond burned out and exhausted.

the other day my boss said, "well, you're single, no kids, it should be easier!" and it would, if i didn't have 4 cats and 2 dogs. my boss comes home from a 10 hour day and his wife makes dinner and the laundry is done. i come home and spend 1-2 hours on pets (litterboxes food water and play) and my own chores.

i am going to the doctor and i know she'll write a note saying i need a few days off. she was concerned about my health when i ended up with pneumonia back in december. i am hoping a little rest will help. and then i'll need to sit down with my boss and explain that i physically can't continue on the hours. i've tried my best. i hope he can let me cut back a little. if not, then i will suggest they hire someone to replace me, and i'll stay around long enough to train them on my job duties while i look for new work.

because this is where i am at:

my friend chris (who understands anxiety) has reminded me that this is just a job, and that no one could keep up with these hours without cracking. i might get written up for missing work, and my crazy boss that i like so much may be upset with me, but i have tried my best and have nothing left to give.

ah......that rant felt good.... time for some ramen noodle soup (the only thing i can eat lately) and then the doctor.