the inevitable blog about being fat.....

so why am i fat? is it because i am lazy? do i eat like a pig? should i feel ashamed?

it seems to me this is one of the last remaining acceptable prejudices in society, to make fun of or look down on people who are overweight. now mind you, i'm not sensitive about it. i thought "shallow hal" was funny. and i loved the story line on "friends" where they would flashback to monica as obese teenager.

but think about even the word FAT. no one, especially girls, likes to even use the word. instead we say chubby, plump, heavyset, stocky, thick, buxom, etc... the thesaurus lists "gross" as a synonym for god's sake!

i had weight loss surgery in 2001. since then i have lost 150 pounds, and have gained 50% of that back. i was so careful to do the research, to make sure i was successful. i avoided every pitfall mentioned. i followed all the rules and got down to my goal weight. i also dealt with major depression and anxiety. losing 150 in a year is amazing, but also terrifying. i didn't recognize myself in the mirror. i was a size 8 and still didn't think i could fit in a booth at a restaurant. with all that going on, the boys came out of the woodwork. i ended up in 2 of the worst relationships of my life. and to deal with this all, i picked up a nasty drinking habit. it completely snuck up on me. i had never been much of a drinker before surgery, but after i found that wine had the lovely effect of relaxing my horrible anxiety attacks, and helped me fall asleep. no one in my family had a drinking problem, so it didn't seem like a big deal.

it was a big deal. i ended up getting wasted every night for almost a year. worried my family 1/2 to death. now that is something to be ashamed of! but i worked on the problem and even went to therapy! since then it's sometimes still a struggle, but i feel good about the work i did to improve. i sometimes try to drink moderately for a while, then go back to quitting completely. it's something i am still working on every day.

so how did i gain all this weight back? too much wine for sure. going on anti-anxiety meds that caused me to gain 20 pounds over 3 months didn't help. i basically ruined my metabolism in junior high by starving myself through puberty. my dad's side of the family have weight issues. i sometimes make bad food choices and eat too much fast food. i have trouble exercising due to the metal plates in my leg. i am lazy. that's just off the top of my head!

here's the thing. i made some bad choices, i had some bad luck.... none of it makes me a bad person. it sucks being fat, but i am tired of feeling ashamed. i mean, i'm not going to be "pro-fat" by any means, just done beating myself up over it. i have made some improvements by giving up fast food and only occasionally having a glass of wine. i am eating tons of fresh fruits and veggies, which is drastic for me. it's just going to take a really long time.

what prompted this rant? my mom and sister have lost a ton of weight on weight watchers. mom has become a bit of a nazi about the whole weight thing with me. she means well, but is making me a little koo koo. so thank the sticklady for this one! hahahaha....

p.s. i just found the perfect photo for this blog! LMAO!!!!!!