October 31, 2007
the check out boys:
fast talking video geek
nervous, inappropriate joker
angry thin gay guy
sample conversations (always out of the clear blue!)
dj brandon: "hey, do ya like music? i'm a dj, here's my business card! i'm playing at a booth at the fairport city fair, wanna come by? what? you don't like fairs or loud music? you don't dance or like crowds? aw, come on!!!!"
fast talking video geek: actually, i couldn't reproduce his diatribe if i wanted to. he really must be on crystal meth (or blak coke, preferred beverage of howler monkeys.) all i remember is him asking me if i played "halo" (of course i don't!) and then for the next 10 minutes telling me how he develops strategies for winning online multi-player games, why robert downey jr. will be good in some movie about some comic book, and how myspace is a good for picking up whorish type girls. i had to come home and lay down after this one.
the other 2 you can easily guess how those conversations went. besides, i need to get to tonight's episode, entitled......
"karma shopping- with coupons!"
i worked late and had to go to the grocery. i was not up for any of the nonsense mentioned above. so i make sure and choose a line without an insane young guy. i spot an old gal with a peach-tinted bouffant and get in her line. i unload my groceries, and notice the lady in front of me. she's thin and nervous, in a faded jogging suit. her groceries are already bagged, and she's clutching the receipt. and i suddenly realize............this is not going to be good.
the bouffant-lady cashier looks at her, confused, and asks how she can help her. she takes a deep breathe and says, "um...i need you to look at my receipt.....um..... i bought 5 dannon yogurts. the kind in the small containers that are 5 for $2. i also bought a large container of dannon yogurt, and my receipt shows that i was undercharged 80 cents for that. and then, um....i had a coupon for 60 cents that didn't get applied to my total......so i want to fix that."
bouffant says, "well honey, that's sweet of you to let us know you got undercharged, but it's ok. it happens and you can go ahead and head on home."
crazy replies, "no, i need to pay the difference! i owe you 20 cents!"
bouffant looks puzzled and asks, "why?"
crazy lady says, "it's bad karma!"
bouffant tells her she can't do anything about it and suggests she go to the service counter. i step up and she gives me a look, winking and rolling her eyes and saying something like, "we get some real crazies!" and we watch the lady stand at the service desk, explaining her "karma problem" over the next 10 minutes.
it was funny and shocking and odd, but also annoying. this lady wasted a good 5 minutes of my time, the cashiers time, and another 10 minutes of the service desk managers time, all to make sure her karma was in order. how is that good karma?
either way, i need to find a new grocery store.
joining the ranks of "uc freak", we now have secret work friend. the coworker who reads my blog and prompted me to add a "blog disclosure".
jerry seinfeld is cute again! maybe i am used to seeing him in reruns with the slight mullet and mock turtlenecks. he's aged well and is my new pretend celebrity boyfriend. and look at these jeans i found online. GROSS!
October 30, 2007
i take back all the bad stuff i've said and blog fighting with my mom. she gave me this awesome set of dishes!!! They are the "folk art" pattern and i am signing up for some kind of registry so people can go buy me more of this stuff!
my favorite is this dumb little heart shaped bowl. i was so excited to eat leftover spatzles in it!!!
here is a photo (left) more rare then bigfoot or the loch ness monster. groundcat cooking. he stirred the boiling pasta for almost the whole 7 minutes until it was done! and he was even game to try brussel sprouts, since, as he put it, they were "covered in butter and might not be too horrible."
October 29, 2007
ah hell, screw them, here it is!!!
October 28, 2007
check out my work badge. i hated my photo so i replaced it with brian peppers as mona lisa. the receptionist noticed it the other day and seemed kind of bothered. i just laughed and said, "oh, i had a bad hair day!" and toddled off.
finally, i have a new anonymous commenter on the blog. apparently i am "too old for sea monkeys, boring and no one cares about my salad sorting". of course anonymous has been back 3 times now to comment, so i wonder, if i am so boring, why keep coming back? ah well, not a big deal. and i know for a fact sorting one's salad by color is exciting! all the kids are doing it!!!!
October 27, 2007
he’s the weird uncle when everybody's at the family reunion wearing normal clothes, he comes in a tank top and cutoff jean shorts smoking a big stogie, with aviator sunglasses on his balding head. and he gives the kids inappropriate toys like a switchblade comb or dirty comic books.
and then he gathers them all around in a circle, and starts to complain about the communists that run the walmart down the street, and how mcdonald's burgers are made of insect larva.
after the kids have been taken away, he makes his rounds hitting on the teenage girls, until one of them recognizes him and says "you're my uncle" which leads him to go get another beer out of the cooler he brought.
and as they help him out to his car, they notice the leg of a blow-up doll sticking out from the trunk.
and the passed-out prostitute who'd been in the back seat since he got to the reunion.
he gets in his beat up oldsmobile cutlass supreme, he starts it up to a cacophony of backfires, backs through the black and blue smoke billowing out of the tailpipe, leaving a trail of condensation, anti-freeze, oil, and a fluid that strangely smells like tobacco mixed with weed, mixed with jellybeans.
and you know what color that cutlass is? maroon. it has to be maroon!
with a green drivers side door. and not hunter green, or anything. pastel green.
looking closer, they notice that he's scratched out the kid's names on the drawings posted on the fridge, replacing it with "UNCLE TANK" (his high school football nickname since, in a fit of sportsmanship, he proceeded to head butt every player on the other team, the cheerleaders, their mascot, and 3 of the band booster parents before authorities could restrain him.)
he was in the french foreign legion after high school (or so he called it.) it was really just a group of stoners behind revco throwing rocks at rats.
the hosts are startled out of their fog of confusion by a banging at the door. leery, they open the door to discover "tank" and his lady friend. tank says, "dude, can I get a jump? my el supremo's not so supreme now *cough, hack* HAHAHA *clears his throat*" his lady friend mumbles something into his ear.... "oh yeah, and can trixie here use your crapper, she's got a case of the beer shits you would not believe."
this is when i realized that it was past 4pm and i had laughed my way through the entire afternoon at work. this is also when i realized that copax is what i call a "plain clothed freak", someone who appears normal for all intents and purposes, but is actually quite insane. he joins my friends "u.c. freak" and rachel in this illustrious group.
and now to find the appropriate images for this story.......i love random google image searches! (enjoy these additional monkeys pictures!)